Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
