How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
