I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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