I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
