Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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