he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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