Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
