My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I could make wine with my vomit
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
