I could make wine with my vomit
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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