Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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