I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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