That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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