until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
