I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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