Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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