I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
