Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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