I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
