I will die if light touches me.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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