at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
