So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
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