was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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