i just had sex bonerless
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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