I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
