my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
