just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
