i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
