Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
