Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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