I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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