I'm gonna have a badass scar
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
