So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
