3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
