You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Found your dick twin last night
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
