i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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