How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
