At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
