everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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