I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
