i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
