The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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