dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
