I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
