I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
