Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
