There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
