Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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