it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
