Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
