My sheets look like a crime scene.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
